Writing a new self concept #2
Dealing with guilt
When I finally started to want better things for myself and actually feeling deserving of them, I also felt guilty. Probably because I was leaving behind not only places, things and situations, but people as well.
You see… when I started building myself again, from the ground, I realized I would need space to grow. A lot of space. To be honest, I would need distance. Not because other people hurt me or were mean to me, but because I needed to distance myself from their beliefs so I could understand what were my own beliefs and why they existed. Also, so I could get rid of the beliefs that weren't serving my best interest — either being my own or others'.
And this process can take time. Most probably will, indeed, take time.
At some point, nonetheless, the distance I took started to feel heavy: I felt guilt for being so far from my family and some friends. And now, thinking about it, I understand I felt guilt because I didn't know how to properly tell these people why this distance was (and still is) so important to me.
It's not that I don't miss them. It's not that I don't want to be with them. It's just that I intend to heal and be in a place of inner peace when I can finally return to their lives. So I can't hurt anyone by projecting my trauma and fears, and so no one can hurt me by expecting me to be my old self.
I am not that person anymore.
I have changed. Proudly.
And I still love the old me, the old friends, the old everyone and everything. Because I have accepted who I've once been. And I have accepted that every person from my past loved me the way they could. And I loved them the way I could. Which is not the way I do now. It's different.
I accept and I honor everyone. I am just not ready to go back yet. I am still growing and grounding myself at this new place. I am still learning who I am and who I intend to be.
And I won't hurry this process. I will respect my time. Not out of selfishness. Not out of fear or shame. But out of respect: for myself and for others.
Guilt is a very familiar feeling for me, but being so doesn't make it easier to deal with it in any way. It always feels like a heavy load to carry. And I am now deciding I do not need to carry it anymore. I release guilt. I release it. And I hope you do too. It's counterproductive.
I do not live the way I live to hurt anyone. I live the way I want because I love this way of life. I am building a family in my own terms. How beautiful is that?
How beautiful is that?
I am free. And so are you.
